Experiment: 42
by Sarryn
Summary: This is a parody of sorts of Mary Sue's (i.e. author created characters). Kendel is the One, the one who's going to save Trigun from others of her kind (Mary Sue's) if she can find her soul and her way home. Just for fun so don't get angry at me.
1. Chapter One: The Interview

Chapter One: the Interview

The lady drew a neat line through the name on the list before her as a girl with short brown hair left the room. The dull thud of her modestly high pumps echoed through the wood paneled room.

"Next."

The girl that entered this time was hauntingly beautiful. Wide, hopeful green eyes peered through the tangle of golden hair. An air of tragic strength clung to her like a tangible cloak. Gliding with the grace of a swan she crossed the room and sat demurely in the seat before the lady's austere desk. The lady's thin lips twisted in mild distaste.

"Name?"

"Mary…Mary Sue Perkins," the girl replied softly, her voice like wind chimes. 

"Mary Sue…" The woman jotted something down on the list and returned her piercing gaze to the cowering girl before her. "Why do you want this assignment?"

"I'm running from a tragic past filled with dark secrets and deadly enemies. I need to find myself inexplicably transported into another universe and there meet a dangerously handsome man. He, in turn, will feel drawn to my waif-like vulnerability and eventually fall in love me."

The lady raised a plucked brow and frowned slightly. "Is that it?"

"No. Once there I will suddenly develop super powers and be able to do incredible feats and yet still require him to rescue me all the time. He will also save me repeatedly from the dark secrets that haunt me and follow me until the dramatic climax where I will save him instead. We will the profess our love for each other, having vanquished our sordid past, and either live happily together or I'll be ripped away from his arms and forced to come back here. Then will both pine for each other and possibly meet in a sequel." 

"You've had a lot of time to plan this out, haven't you?" The girl nodded solemnly. "We'll call you. Next." Mary Sue Perkins heaved a suitably sorrowful sigh and trudged elegantly from the room. The cloud of tragedy followed her out and came back in with the next girl, this time a soulful redhead. 

"Name?" The girl rambled off a long and suitably romantic name that no normal person could hope to remember much less pronounce. "Have a seat and I would like to ask you some questions."

"Alright."

"You're another member of the Tragic Past and Unpronounceable Name Committee, correct?" The girl nodded solemnly, a single crystal tear trickled down her cheek for affect. "Good, that saves some questions. Now, how are your cooking skills?"

The girl shrugged as a light blush swept across her cheeks. "I'm quite good at it. I can make anything from anything, but I don't want to brag. Just impress the man of my dreams with my culinary mastery and win his heart that way."

"I see you're a student of Reaching a Man's Heart through His Stomach technique. We'll call you. Next."

The lady drew a straight line through the girl's name with ruthless efficiency and precision. She paid no heed as the redhead sobbed in that special way that prevented eyes and nose from ever becoming puffy and red. Several minutes past and no other girls appeared. The lady stared at the large oaken door in annoyance.

"Next."

"Excuse me." A girl with bright magenta hair stuck her head in and looked around.

"Yes?" Interest glowed in the lady's cool gray eyes as she regarded the new girl.

"Is this the Bureau of Misplaced Souls?"

"No this is the Office of Experiments in Anime Universes. We send young men and woman, mostly woman, through portals and drop them in various series to chart their interactions and the alacrity with which they develop a relationship with a man or woman there." The girl scratched her head and blew a lock of hair out of the way.

"Cool. Could you tell me where the office of the Bureau of Misplaced Souls is? I haven't been able to find mine since last Saturday and it's starting to interfere with my studies."

"May I ask a few questions first?" 

"Sure. Knock yourself out." The girl fully entered the room and shifted nervously just inside the door. 

"What is your name?"

"Kendel Harmony Smith, the first and hopefully the last," the girl replied with a mocking salute. The lady scrutinized her closely and then jotted down a few notes. 

"Do you have a tragic past?"

"Sure, I didn't start doing this huge history paper a month ago and now it's due in a week. I haven't even checked out any books and I have to pull twenty pages out of my…brain."

"Interesting. Now how are your cooking skills?" 

"I am the queen of the microwave and cold sandwich. I can also make a mean toasted bagel," Kendel chortled. 

"What about with an oven, range or open fire?"

"What about them?"

"Can you use them?"

"Would you define 'using' them as not burning down the house and surrounding area?" The lady nodded curtly. "Haven't tried. We have microwaves after all."

"Indeed. Final question."

"Hit me."

"Do you desperately want to escape your current situation for some reason?"

The girl frowned pensively and tugged absently at a lock of magenta hair. "I so don't want to have to do that history paper…but this really cute boy at my school just asked me out. I've been crushing on him for years and he finally noticed me. I'd have to say no. History paper or no history paper, I'm not gonna miss it for the world. He's so cool and hot. Have you seen his six-pack? Of course not, but trust me. He is seriously yummy."

"I see. Wonderful," the lady murmured as she made a decisive stroke beneath the notes she had been taking unbeknownst to the girl. 

"So…could you tell me where the Bureau is now?" Kendel asked hopefully. "I'd like to get my soul back as soon as possible."

"I have an alternative offer," the woman informed as she surreptitiously pressed a button beneath her desk. 

"I don't like travelling much. Jet lag and all that, sorry." The door slammed shut and the scraping of metal against wood indicated that it had been locked as well. 

"I'm afraid I can't accept that. Please relax, you might even enjoy yourself. Who knows?"

"What the hell?" Kendel demanded as she pulled uselessly at the doorknob. "Are you some sort of psycho?" She threw her full weight against the door to no avail. "Let me out of here. I need to find my soul soon."

From a sliding panel behind the lady's desk a pair of burly men dressed in a cross between combat fatigues and ER scrubs enter. The lady inclined her head towards the girl trying to escape. The two men nodded, one producing a syringe, and headed over to her. 

"Don't touch me, you mother f…" The man with the syringe deftly inserted the needle into one of her arms held rigid by the other. The girl swayed uncertainly in their grip, eyes darting about the room. One of them tossed her over his shoulder and the three adults exited the room via the sliding panel. 

"What's going on?" Kendel demanded groggily as the men placed her on a surgical table and the lady began flipping switches. Bright light flooded the room. She vaguely noticed strange instruments and strange technological devices scattered about the otherwise austere room. 

They placed a mask over her nose and mouth. She tried to hold her breath, but after several seconds her oxygen deprived lungs forced her to inhale. A frantic heartbeat seemed to superimpose the words being spoken by the adults as she breathed the strangely metallic air. She could understand them, but a strange apathy held her and she couldn't find the inclination to care.

"We are performing an experiment to see whether traditional Mary Sue characteristics and mannerisms are inherent and, therefore, hereditary. Or whether they are the result of environment and outside stimuli," the lady informed her coolly. She felt two pairs of strong hands grip her arms and legs and then turn her over on her stomach.

"Mary Sue…?" Something cold pressed firmly against her back. With a sharp whine the object began to spin faster and faster against her skin. Burning hot it bored into the flesh and muscle between her shoulder blades. She shifted under the pain, but, so far sunk in a feeling of indifferent calm, she didn't resist.

"A character created by an author whose sole purpose is to be inserted into a piece of writing involving a series, be it anime or any other media. There she, or he as the case is sometimes, interacts with the characters and usually brings about plot twists that would not normally happen in the series. You are another created character, but you lack the basic aspects normally associated with your kind."

The lady noted that the girl had fallen asleep during her explanation, the drugs having finally kicked in. She sniffed in annoyance and motioned for one of the nurses to start the sequence. The other continued to stitch a flap of skin over the tracking device embedded in the girl's back.

"Series?"

"Trigun," the lady replied curtly, as she checked the girl's vitals.

"Time?"

"Unspecified. Outside of story line." The man finished typing in the instructions. A low, throbbing hum filled the room, as ribbons of static flowed towards the center of an oval contraption of metal and wires. 

"Transmitter implanted."

"Portal nominal."

"Good. Prepare the subject."

"You do realize, doctor, that this one has no soul. I thought we weren't going to enter that phase of the experiment until later." 

"We have to seize the opportunities as they come," the lady declared imperiously. The two men nodded obediently then pulled the unconscious girl from the table. They carried her to the portal, now completely awash in static streams, and tossed her through. 

The lady sat down at a console and quickly typed in a series of numbers.

"The tracking device is working properly and the targeted character is within a mile," she announced as she stared intently at the flickering screen before her. "Any other life-forms?"

"One other, human from the look of it. Possibly a danger to subject forty-two."

"Perfect."

"Doctor?" the two men asked in unison.

"We'll see if danger provokes a typical Mary Sue reaction. Begin recording."

****

Okay, before you flame me horribly for this I just want to say that I do support author created characters. In fact I only have two or three fics where there _aren't_ any author created characters. And since the preponderance of my other stories involve a 'Mary Sue' character, I thought I'd just do a parody of 'em. 

So please review and tell me what you think. Much love, y'all. 


	2. Chapter Two: A New Theory

Chapter Two: A New Theory

Kendel awoke, something about someone named Mary Sue echoing annoyingly in her head. She found her face firmly pressed against dry sand and more attempting to climb into her open mouth. She jerked upright, dislodging a beach's worth of sand, and looked around. She saw more sand much more sand.

A spot between her shoulder blades began to itch suddenly and she recalled a fuzzy memory involving pain centered on that same area. She contorted her body and attempted scratch the irritated spot. Unfortunately that motion proved the reality of her whole situation by sending throbbing bursts of pain radiating around her spine.

"Holy sh…" 

****

"Subject forty-two has regained consciousness and appears to be in pain," one of the nurses announced as he watched the monitor. 

"How far away is the danger?" the lady asked coolly as she typed in various commands at the console.

"Estimated contact time in ten minutes. The target is about twenty-five minutes away."

The lady looked thoughtful as she continued to type. "I don't perceive a problem."

"Yes, doctor."

****

"What the hell is going on here?" the girl with magenta haired demanded of sand about her. The sun…no, sun_s_ overhead pounded her with heat and the fact that her soul was no longer in residence didn't help matters. Because of that fact her instincts were all messed up. For instance they kept telling her to lay out in sunlight and wait for someone to see her instead of seeking shade and avoiding the blistering heat. She couldn't trust her instincts anymore because Saturday morning she had discovered that the Tupperware container she had stored her soul in the night before was empty. 

Now she had to remember to do exactly the opposite of what her instincts and hunches told her. That wouldn't be easy since she had always been able to count on them to work properly. 

Muttering various obscenities under her breath about adults in general and scientists in particular, she dragged herself into the shelter of a conveniently placed cluster of rocks. Still not quite recovered from the drugs injected into her not long ago, she promptly fell into unconsciousness. 

****

"Subject has lost consciousness and the threat is now five minutes away."

"Continue."

****

For the third time that odd day Kendel awoke and wished that she hadn't. Before her stood something that she wouldn't want to see on a good day: a crusty, disgusting, and all around repulsive man. From the stench wafting in her direction she guessed he either didn't know the meaning of the word 'bath' or he didn't care much for personal hygiene. 

"Well what do we have here?" he demanded lasciviously. 

"I don't know and I don't want to know," she quipped as she sat up. She regarded him warily from her rather vulnerable position.

"I think you do. Wanna have some fun."

"Hold it." The girl looked around, annoyance reflected in ordinary brown eyes. "Who's writing your lines? 'Cause they really suck. I mean please, 'Wanna have some fun'? That is so eighties gang bang."

"What?" The man stared at her in confusion, apparently not used to her reaction.

"You can drop the act, it's not scaring me. Maybe a little foam about the mouth, say you had rabies, and then I'd be scared."

The drew a grimy gun from the depths of his rank jacket. She raised an eyebrow, a move she had spent two hours practicing before a mirror, and regarded him with mocking horror.

"I see now you have to use a gun. Doesn't that make you feel powerful? You can only control a poor little girl by using something other than your hands. Do the other bad men laugh at you?" The man's face flushed a dull red as her insults penetrated his dim mental facilities. Belatedly she realized that she had been following her instincts instead of doing exactly the opposite of what they told her to do. 

"I'll…I'll shoot you."

"And do what? I have no money or jewelry and unless you're something of a necrophiliac I don't think my corpse would do you any good," she retorted snidely. His flush of anger became one of horrified embarrassment. 

The man, apparently having decided preying on screaming females was easier than assaulting insulting ones, put up his gun and walked away.

"Hey…wait. Where are we? Where's the nearest town." 

"Up yours."

The girl blinked several times in shock. "That was rude."

****

"Quite puzzling. She hasn't displayed the usual traits…in fact she has acted quite abnormal," the lady murmured pensively as she rotated the view on the screen before her. "Perhaps the characteristics we are looking for are indeed environmental. However her presence seems to have created a classic situation."

"Doctor?"

"For some inexplicable reason that most likely will never explained sufficiently, our targeted character happens, by chance, to be wandering in the proximity of the girl. If that doesn't reek of Mary Sueism than I don't know what does."

"Doctor?"

"In fact I hypothesize that he will also just 'happen' to be walking in her direction. Why he even might…"

"Doctor, I've gotten the chemical readings for the surrounding area," one of the male nurses announced, finally managing to break into her lengthy explanation. 

"Proceed," the lady commanded.

"It may be merely an instrumental inaccuracy, but it, apparently, for all intents and purposes, although it might be false, or at least not entirely true…"

"Get on with it."

"It seems that the area around the forty-two shows unnaturally high concentrations of OOC pheromone, presumably from the subject."

"Really? Why this sets our whole premise on its nose. Perhaps some traits are inherited while others are the result of the environment. That would account for the many deficiencies in forty-two. Yes, brilliant."

"Target character approaching rapidly from the west. Time of encounter in five minutes," the other nurse announced.

"The subjects seems to have lapsed into unconsciousness again."

"Audio track ready? I want to catch their entire confrontation."

****

Yes another brilliant chapter…not really. Why am I doing this? Because I've read too many classic cases of Mary Sueism and I've finally snapped. I don't mind of someone creates their own character and it becomes the central figure of the story, as long as the character is original and not like all the other tragic heroines out there.

Please review and share the happiness, mainly to me. :) I've been reduced to emoticons! O peril!


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